ebay !! *shakes fist*

it's a good thing I work or I might just spend our life savings on ebay. I forgot how I had to stop ebay-ing about 10 years ago because of my found obsession for WINNING. "I've been outbid?" I would think to myself, "oh no you don't!" At which point I would end up paying exorbitant amounts of money on things like... giant tacky candy dishes shaped like seashells. So I stopped that after I bid crazy amounts on this sundress that was paper thin and about 7 sizes too small.

Recently, with this whole baby thing I thought to myself... i bet i could find *insert muy expensive baby item here* on ebay for waaay cheaper... so I checked it out and I was right.

I spent all day Sunday and Monday obsessively checking my ebay auctions. I even outbid someone in the last 30 seconds *papow!* and won my auction on Sunday. Then, the same thing happened to me Monday. Insanity rushed through me. How dare that person STEAL MY AUCTION (yes, as i had done to some poor soul the day before). I went crazy and bid on the next closest thing, which wasn't even what I really wanted. It was black and green instead of cranberry and khaki and in a world of white cat hair that really makes a difference.

As luck or fate would have it, I lost that auction and won another one with a cranberry item that ended 17 minutes later. I paid for my item and signed off ebay... hopefully for another 10 years.

here's a picture of nearly what my obsessive buy looks like:

pink is my favorite color

Actually, in recent years my favorite color has gotten a little darker, changing from pink to red. Although I still feel some joy in my heart when I see a certain beautiful, perfect shade of pink.

I've heard it said that if you wear a blue garter at your wedding you're guaranteed to have a boy. I wore pink at mine. The seamstress took a little bit of the scraps from Audrey's dress and sewed it into a garter I had purchased. We didn't do the garter toss or anything I just really wanted to have a girl and thought, if it the tale turned out to be true for boys, then maybe it would work for girls.

It did. We're having a girl. :)

Of course I would have been thrilled either way. I can just imagine a little boy running around this joint being all boyish. However, there was a certain exuberance I felt when the ultrasound tech told us that the baby growing inside of me is a girl. Of course she is. It did take awhile for it to be real though. It is still sinking in. I want to shout it from the rooftops:

Watch out world, there's gonna be another Miller girl up in this piece!!
(well, a miller-corcoran girl)

(circa 1987)

Now, let's make bets on how long I can stave off Disney Princess paraphernalia and super frilly pink crap...

these are my confessions...

Currently, snow falls outside of my house. The timeline I told the kids at school goes like this: The snow will fall. The snow will melt. The flowers will start to bloom. Then, I will have a baby. Because saying I'm due in May is like speaking another language to them. So, I guess we're getting closer.


I figured since I let the cat out of the bag to some of my students I should probably proclaim it in the blogosphere. I am pregnant.


When I say that I brace myself, always. I don't know why. I don't like to share personal things. Having to go around my center and confess to my coworkers was the most awkward thing I've had to do in ages. It's exciting but so weird. Like announcing to the world that you have copulated. And what, do I expect a medal or something? A pat on the back? It's just weird for me. Plus, there is always the *advice backlash* yikes.

No strangers have touched me yet, but its early. and its a scary thought. being a chubby girl for so many years I already have body image issues so add on random people touching me in my fat place? oyyyy. good thing I no longer carry a purse. (yes, i know its a beautiful miracle and not fat but you didn't just hang up your size 4 jeans and put on elastic pants, did you? ;))

One of my favorite things, dealing with society, so far are the people who don't know whether or not i'm pregnant and how they try to steal looks at my belly. I related to Nick that this was a lot like when my boobs grew significantly in high school, boys trying to take glances without getting caught like... are those real or stuffed?... same kind of situation... is she fat or pregnant?...but mostly its grown women now. LOL. I just want to wear a shirt that says *HUMAN LIFE DEVELOPMENT IN PROGRESS* haha. **I'm not fat, I'm pregnant!!** hahaha. or **hey, you, eyes up here, when you're talkin' to me.**

I keep telling myself, with every bit of advice and knowing sigh or look I receive that this is my pregnancy. It is M-C Tiny, Corky and I and our way of being. Just like fingerprints, no two pregnancies are alike. Smile, nod, move on. As Baz Luhmann wrote in his "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen" lyrics:

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

and it's why I have buddhist books in which I can refer to patience, kindness, and understanding sitting on my desk. they pair well with my buddha belly. which you are free to stare at. (this was at 17 weeks, i'm currently almost 19 so i'm a smidge rounder)

**PLEASE REMEMBER I AM PREGNANT NOT IGNORANT, GO EASY ON ME**

the original

Here's the original inspiration for Dandelion Dreams:



KMC:8-28-82

surprise gas leak

Today BCC was closed due to a gas leak on campus. Excellent. I have been achy and tired all week and needed a day to chill. By chilling I mean:

Sleeping in.
Completing the rest of my coursework for Infant/Toddler Language & Literacy.
Reorganizing and creating an Excel Worksheet for my recipes.
Hanging with my sick hubs.

It's veteran's day so here's a shout out to the Veterans of the United States Military and their families. May the good One above bless them all and keep them safe.

...block...

I realized I have had a creativity hangover since I finished my thesis. I feel like I'm starting to come out of it, though. I have a pastel drawing showing up in my head and a deep desire to write the second half of my thesis.

I'm dying to get back into some real literature and theory. Sink my teeth into something heavy and gritty and difficult to comprehend. Something with pieces that connect and reconnect in different and weird ways. Lan Cao, I'm talking about you. I'm talking about the second paper on The House on Mango Street. I'm talking about the fiction projects I have begun that I need to sit down with a large piece of paper and map out.

Then I'll be blogging again.

Right now everything is kind of mundane and ordinary. Aside from emails this is the most I have written since my last blog. That saddens me, as I don't think I've ever gone this long without writing SOMETHING!! Maybe I need to go old school with a marble composition notebook, a walkman containing a mixed tape of urge overkill, smashing pumpkins, nirvana and pearl jam, and a coffeehouse...

the roaring twenties

Tonight marks the last night I will spend in my 20s. I only feel slightly nostalgic, mostly wanting a large glass of red wine. I'm pretty sure I opened my 20s with shots of tequila so that shows you how i've grown. My twenties, though slightly foggy, have been full of life. I have felt the exuberance of new love; real, true, genuine love. Real, true and genuine people have entered my life and changed it forever. Rotten people have come and gone, too, leaving little pieces of my heart chipped off but that's part of life. Gives you character.

I have found a career that allows me to "spread the love" even if it means putting myself in danger of communicable diseases. <3

My sister has become more a part of me than ever before. How can you start out closer than close to someone and have that keep growing?

I understand my parents as people and love them. All of them. I don't know how I got to be so lucky...

...and I am so lucky. I am so blessed. My twenties have brought me insane moments, debaucherous moments, but they have brought me the best friends in the UNIVERSE. I look at the mountains I climbed up and down over this decade and know that along the way the HP has given me angels. Nick, of course. I had Betsy and the Pine Lounge while I was at Broome. We drew pictures of Benoh and she ate chicken once, even though she's a vegetarian. HP gave me Arrelaine in State College who walked with me to school everyday and drank many many beverages at the different watering holes of town. Then I moved to Baltimore and there was Emily. Friday nights on my balcony with Emily and a bottle of wine (each) made Baltimore a beautiful place. When I moved home there was my beautiful sister who didn't love wine then Bully Hill can change a girl. Karli came over one night to sit at the picnic table, chat and drink 22s. We've been best friends ever since. And let's not forget the Giglio's who have hosted us more times than I can remember... and love us as unconditionally as anyone. And SFK, who's always up for analyzing something to death, then throwing beer bottles from the balcony for fun.

My twenties have been a wild ride... bring on the next decade!!


to quote Tim McGraw::

Oh my next thirty years, Im gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe Ill remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife(Corky)
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years

twilight zone

the 50th anniversary of the twilight zone is this weekend. Apparently, it is also being celebrated at my place of employment... that full moon sunday night isn't helping.


WEEIRD....

morsel for the day...

Memory is not just the imprint of the past upon us; it is the keeper of what is meaningful for our deepest hopes and fears.
Rollo May

boring

I have a little girl who tells me everyday "Kate, nap is boring." She has a squeaky little voice and that cute nearly 3 years old way of pronouncing things. boring sounds more like "bow-ing" and she really holds out the "o" sound. That's how I'm feeling lately. "BOOOH-WING" and I love it. I am not traveling to Cortland once a week, I get up early each day and walk around my beautiful 'hood. I have long, arduous albeit fun days with my class that fill me with joy and leave me with exhaustion. I get in bed by 9pm, read a book of my choosing until I fall asleep, wake up and do it all over again.

i love it but there's not much to blog about.

Coco-pops? The new tastiness from Wegmans...with some pb ontop is my new love. My bff has a new house. Patrick Swayze died and I spent all day weeping on and off. It's going to break my heart to watch Dirty Dancing again...

kmc lives a pretty boring life right now. i kind of love it. but i might have to get into some mischief soon...

big weekend

It's been a treacherous week: draining thanks to those cute faces that I adore and come back for more and more love, smiles, kisses, tears, snotty noses, butts to wipe, voices singing, hugs, giggles, squeals, babies falling asleep in my arms...

this weekend? the payoff...
Friday: to BFF's new house - duh.

Saturday: Baltimore with Corky to wander around our old neighborhood, Hampden. Then a trip over my old Patterson Perk stomping grounds and then...dundundun to see Michael Franti!!!

Sunday: A possible stop back in Baltimore for breakfast and then up to see my sissy poo and Spero for an afternoon and evening full of love and christopher's pizza and subs. :)

Monday: home. relax. (maybe some ironing, i've been too tired this week to iron and have had a more limited wardrobe)


I can't waaaaiiiittt!!!

A photo of Adrian and I circa 2001 at our grandma's house... she's so proud...

a quick note for now

Soon I will sit down and write out a bang-up blog about the fabulousness of having 14 three year olds a day in my life. I will tell you how cute they are, how sweet, how smart, how I love love love the little hugs and smiles and how even when they're crying for Mama my heart melts. But those little buggers are EXHAUSTING their darling teacher. And I have FANTASY FOOTBALL RESEARCH to do! ...if only I could figure out a way for the children to help me with that...

tgif

this was a really emotionally/spiritually trying week.

i cannot wait for my new babies to show up on Monday!!

best part of my week: an old student came by and when she saw me ran, arms open, to hug me around the waist.

the children: the best part of my job.

first day back...

My big accomplishment for my first day back was getting this put together:




my head was about to explode, i hope they have the same reaction!!! i love my job. we start meeting the new students tomorrow for interviews!! can't wait...

phishing and phobias

Last night we saw Phish for the first time in 9 years. It was a fabulous show. With fabulous friends. Their first song was "Sample in a Jar" -- it took me right back to Capital University. I wore my cute new sundress for the occasion, though you can't see it in this photo.


Nick and I spent the night in Batavia (i heart hampton inns) and then drove down to Watkins Glen today, hiking the 3 mile trail. Down next to the gorge and up on what is known as Indian trail. (we finally used the timer on a hike!)

I did three things that scared me today: (1)walked through a "spiral tunnel" (claustrophobia, what?)

***these were the views on the other side!!***




(2)Raced Nick up a very steep flight of stairs known as couch's staircase (as in you need a couch after you run up them)

***it felt so good at the top***


and (3)walked over a "suspension bridge"

***again, totally worth the views***



Our way home was a route suggested (and about blogged) by Karli. It was gorgeous. On the outside and inside.




I thought to myself, thanks HP for Karlton...and reflected at how she was part of this beautiful trip without even being there. Which made me reflect on how amazingly blessed I am to have a group of people in my life that are such a part of my being.

....thanks friends, i love you...

i stole from jay paterno

I totally stole this twitpic from jay paterno, yeah, that JayPaterno: QB coach for the Penn State Nittany Lion football team, Son of JoePa...JayPa. Yes I follow him on twitter.

this is besides the point really. The point is I saw this picture and almost cried. Tears sprung to my eyes and I wished that instead of waiting for Nick to come home from BCK I was waiting for him to come over after a long day in the larch studio. We would walk downtown from my apartment or his to go play darts at Zeno's. Or maybe I'm homesick for Arrelaine and our long chats at the Dark Horse over a tasty Tonto's Demise. (which only became deeper on half priced nights)

I just get homesick, sometimes, for that town. My friend, Lee, referred to it once as "oz" and I truly believe it (as in wizard of...not the prison show). There were 60,000 of us college students there but somehow you found your "people" and made your world.

Thanks, Jay Paterno, for taking this picture. I wish I was walking downtown for a beer at the Sports Cafe to watch the Yankees game today.

my summer vacation

A fun six weeks. Here are some things I learned about myself and accomplished this summer::

1) I love watching the nuns recite the Holy Rosary on the Catholic channel. The sound is slightly haunting. Having grown up in a Protestant church I didn't have much exposure to nuns so I think that's what interests me so much. If you ever get a chance you should check this out. The nuns are in full garb and SO SOLEMN. There's one nun who is in a crazy trance looking state. It's AMAZING. Its also interesting that Mother Angelica looks like she is reading it each time even though they say their Hail Mary's over and over. I'm not making fun, I seriously love this show. The nuns, though all in habits, are all so different looking and how they pray is different. Is there a difference between nuns with white head covers and black head covers??

2) I accidentally taught my cat to drink from the faucet in the 1st floor bathroom. I was hanging laundry on the line with the window wide open. I didn't want him to jump out so I distracted him with running water to sip on. oops.

3) Kevin Kinsella continues to rock my world with his music.

4) Turns out I'm an expert taper/painter. All I need is a ZenCast and cool weather.

5) Walking in the morning is fun. I truly wish I could get my "sunshine booty" (as Kami says) up before school everyday and traipse around our neighborhood...

6) Canning is fun! and tasty! and good for the soul! (Kristina documented our last gathering - to make blueberry jam and peach salsa - here)

7) If left to not work for the rest of my life I would have the cleanest house ever. It turns out I have a very hard time sitting idle for long.

8) If I don't make a detailed list of things to do for my day when I'm off I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. I feel guilty and depressed.

9) The list has to be detailed. Did I mention that? On my list of things to do this summer I included "write" -- what counts? I edited my thesis. I wrote some here. I think I intended to work on a major writing project. *sigh*

10) I have a patron! An anonymous donor gave me a laptop on which to write my first children's novel. I'm still brain storming ...

11) Becoming more aware of how I am really feeling is the key to being comfortable. Not just being aware of it, but acting on it, staying true to it. Those who actually love me for who I am will continue to love and support me.

12) I'm not much of a gardener but am thankful that my inlaws are! (yummy fresh food!!)

13) I heart Keb'Mo' !!

14) Sandwiches taste way better with 2 layers of romaine.

15) I can wear a real bikini (and did! for the first time in my life!)

16) Fruit-tea (caffeine free, all natural) iced with some flavored seltzer is DELICIOUS.

17) A house full of color makes me feel happy and comfortable

18) My life is full of blessings -- everywhere I turn I'm witness to the beauty in my world.

t-minus 10 days

I have ten days left of my summer vacation. I spent Monday of this week at the center putting up the name tags of my new loves. I can hardly wait to meet them. Summer has been a blast but I am missing the regularity of a schedule, the giggles and happiness of the children, rocking them, reading to them, singing with them... This year we are getting 18 new babes. The first few weeks are a challenge. We have to get to know the children, they are getting to know us, the room and the routine. It's still a blast, though. At least I can say it is right now from the comfort of my couch.

decade

A decade ago tonight I went to a guard party that turned into me going to a Yolk show with this guy I barely knew (accompanied by my friend, Lauren, riding in her '84 AMC Eagle woodie - i loved that car). The Yolk show turned into a walk around the West Side of Binghamton, during which Nick got lost and I got us found. (seems to remain true) That walk turned into sitting up all night talking until 5am when Nick drove me all the way back to East Windsor Rd. Dropping me off without even a smooch but a promise to call me.

I figured it was a good night of chatting, maybe some summer dating (free dinner, yeah!) but nothing more. He was a frat boy from Penn State, after all. We hung out all summer, but at the end we decided "whatever happens, happens." He was going to Italy for the spring semester, after all. Then I applied to Penn State, because another year of long distance was not an option...and hey, if we broke up there were 60,000 people on main campus, after all. I probably would never run into him and there would definitely be a big pool of eligible boys...but I never had to find out. It just kept going... with no problems... it was the weirdest thing... it still is. After all, we are the Miller-Corcorans.

clarifications and celebrations

I was at my grandpa's 80th birthday party yesterday (at which I was surrounded by my family filling my heart with so much thanks)... and I got a lot of "what the hell was that bubble thing about"? So let me try to clarify...

In the Buddhist way of thinking humans are the universe. You let go of the clinging to your possessions, your attachments, you desires - you are not "Kate", you are a piece of the universe. When I saw all of these people standing there jamming and dancing in such a way that they were not individuals but an experience, I thought of this quote. They are GrassRoots. Even up in the stands, you can feel it. The energy radiates this sense of "we're all in it together" (for the most part). It's incredible.

I also want to celebrate that MY THESIS IS OFFICIALLY SIGNED OFF ON AND COMPLETE!!!!

thank. god.

I handed it in on my way up to the lake last Tuesday. Now I feel as though I can compose my list of gratitude.

Here I am finishing the dang thing (nick came in the room and took it without my knowing, nice posture, ey?)



a couple of views from the lake:

GrassRoots : 2009

A myriad bubbles were floating on the surface of a stream. 'What are you?' I cried to them as they drifted by. 'I am a bubble, of course' nearly a myriad bubbles answered, and there was surprise and indignation in their voices as they passed. But, here and there, a lonely bubble answered, 'We are this stream', and there was neither surprise nor indignation in their voices, but just a quiet certitude. - Ask the Awakened by Wei Wu Wei...

Thesis Saga Part 92836152368

My thesis, yes the never ending SAGA of my thesis. As I said, I finally turned it in to the department with the blessings and love of my thesis advisor.

Here was the verdict on Friday::

Kate,

I am almost finished reading your thesis, and will have it in the mail to you on Monday. There are not many things to work on, but there are surface errors and some wording problems that need to be revised. The MA thesis must be pristine, as you know, so I will send it to you Monday for your revisions.

Just so I have a record of who it is, let me know the name of your thesis advisor. Thanks.

It is a lovely topic, and, for the most part, well executed.

****************************************************************************

Verdict Yesterday:::
Kate,

I did not make the morning mail, so your paper will go out tomorrow instead of today.

The main thing I need to say is that the paper had more problems than I had thought it would when I began reading it, and when I wrote to you on Friday.

You will see what I mean when you receive your paper, but because you had a thesis advisor who apparently did not see the problems in his editing of your paper, I am asking you to make sure you understand what they are, and to work to get the paper in shape. I know you are aiming for an August graduation deadline, and I want you to be able to succeed in that, so any revisions that I ask you to make will be, I understand, minimal.

The problems are still largely surface ones, but I have pointed out some areas that would be up for rewriting, if I had the time to work with you. Do what you can, and get the paper back to me when you have made it acceptable for the MA degree. Feel free to talk to me if you don’t understand my comments.

Thanks Kate.



****************************************************************

Am I friggen crazy? Did that turn on a dime when I told her who my thesis advisor was? (he is leaving the college, if you remember...) and BTW, he is a professional rhetorician so what happened??? Does it sound more like she's pissed at my advisor for some reason?? OY! I mean, if he thought it was a piece of shit do you think that he would have said "hand it to the department"??

His final verdict was::
Thanks Kate,

Good work here. Congrats on completing your thesis.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank God for Nick, who, as I was bawling my head off last night, reminded me of the total schizophrenia of the situation. He reminded me how much respect I have for my thesis advisor and his views on writing/creating (not only because he enjoyed my labor of love). I'm just so mad that she said she was nearly finished on friday and then totally turned it around on me yesterday. And then I HAVE TO WAIT TO SEE WHAT SHE MEANS UNTIL THE DAY BEFORE I LEAVE FOR GRASSROOTS!!

you know, just to add a cherry on top.


this is currently causing me to feel that I will NEVER leave early childhood education!! but as we know I'm super dramatic so who really knows... :)

*sigh*

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on another note, without the thesis as a creative outlet I've been trying my hand at sewing and more painting. And also being an enabler for my cat's addiction to faucet water.


My awesome abilities to sew in a straight line:::





The latest paint color. yes, it too is green...but this time its called "MOTHER EARTH" and its in the bedroom::




Bug in action::

"ooh, the nectar of the shower gods"


"you have to wait for just the right temp and speed of flow...too hot and it burns, too fast and it goes all over my pretty face"


"ahhh...that's the good stuff"





yes i just put words into my cats mouth...and with that I am officially the cat lady...

paradise lost : Book One

I've made it through the first book (chapter)! I'm slowly but surely getting it. I tried reiterating what I thought happened to Nick and then double checked my work by reading what SparkNotes said it was about. Rockin! I got the basic concept. HOORAY! I'm enjoying reading it at this point in my academic career because I can now see how other authors alluded to it. Within the first few pages I saw the words "darkness visible." The title of William Styron's memoirs of depression.

So far, it just reminds me that the old poets used a lot of words to say a little bit. *sigh* so unlike us in the 21st century where we use 140 characters to sum up our lives on twitter. Let's see can I sum up Book One in 140 characters??

Satan: kicked out of Heaven. Released from chains in the lake of fire. gathers demons @ Pandemonium to see if war w/ God is viable option.

that 139, yo! what up, Milton!

Pandemonium: temple the demons build in hell. Other cool fact: The spirit demons can morph into different sexes and sizes like a shape shifter on Heroes.

...let freedom ring...

The American Colonial independence was not achieved alone. The original American Revolutionaries stood up together for what they believed. Which, apparently, was that rich white men deserved to do what they wanted. Luckily, the revolutionaries keep coming and keep fighting for freedoms.

Our weekend started chatting with Karli on the front porch, having beers and lemonade awaiting the arrival of our lovely friends, the Plummers. :) What a great way to kick off the weekend!!

On Friday of Independence Day weekend I stood with my Canning Revolutionaries, led by Kristina, to make some strawberry jam. I swiped this picture from Kami who describes our day fabulously HERE.



I spent the 4th beginning to give my thesis it's own revolution, or at least a little love by getting it bound and ready to be hand delivered to Dr. Alwes this morning. I also BBQed with my dad and Sue and attended a B-Mets baseball game to see the fireworks. Family fun with Toby Keith's war-cry that we, the USA, will "stick a boot in your ass its the American way." (don't get me started, that's an entire other blog post)



Sunday we hiked at one of my favorite spots, Salt Springs. Aahh, the meadow. Thank you, HP for the perfection of that moment.


I also worked on the kitchen, taping and painting.


2 more coats and it'll be complete and on to the bedrooms. I got a pedi on my way home from the final thesis submission this morning. My students love green and I miss them already but *sigh* I do love summer.

done.

*sigh*

i just finished my first year of teaching. i said good-bye to some children that I will never see again.

*sigh*

what a wild year. i'm gonna miss those kids. :*(

brilliant warrior goddess.

So, what the hell does "Brilliant Warrior Goddess" mean you might ask yourself...

Am I so enamored with myself that I gave myself that moniker to remind me how awesome I am? No. Not at all.

It came to into being when I found myself alone, again, in State College, PA in 2000. When I say alone I mean without people around me and not lonely. I have very rarely felt lonely in my life; I have continually felt that my writing has kept me company through times when I could have felt that way. But I was alone. I had moved to State College to attend Penn State. I enrolled at Penn State because there was no way in hell Nick and I were going to remain together at the age of 20 if we weren't in the same town. We had spent a LOOONG distance love (remember, he was in Rome from 1/2000-4/2000...we started dating 8/1999) and that was enough. Without getting into an entire side story, let's just say I knew that the path the Universe wanted me to take was to head to PSU. So there I was.

I started out with two roommates and they moved out to live with their boyfriends. Big house, Kate Miller, art and writing supplies and plenty of music but no friends. Sure, I knew people through Nick but I like to have my own friends. I did not want to get into a position where we broke up and I found myself alone again. Yadda, yadda, miss independent rears her head. Oh, and remember I'm only 20 at this point and Nick has been 21 for almost a year as have all of his buddies. We made do but there was a lot of time to be alone.

Again, being alone was nothing new to me. I spent a year in Columbus, Ohio feeling completely alone and after that another year back home. But as I sat there reflecting on all I had seen and been through by the age of 20- the words brilliant warrior goddess came to me. I felt like my entire life, for different reasons, I had to be strong like a warrior. I learned to dig deep deep inside me, keep my head up, my armor at the ready to defend against whatever was being thrown my way. I do not mean to define this in a woe is me way, quite the opposite. It has a lot to do with the way I was raised: to never let anyone get you down, to never let anyone think that they can hurt you or that they are better than you. This is not a violent warrior that I acknowledge inside of me but a protector, a shield.

I'll spare the details but by the age of 20 I had been through, what I see as some pretty awesome battles. I learned a term in my psych class called "learned optimism" which is the antithesis of "learned helplessness." Some people go through life beaten down, when life throws tomatoes at them they let the acid burn their wounds. I, on the other hand, feel as though I thank the Universe for the opportunity to learn how to make sauce. This is where the brilliance comes in. Not brilliance as in intelligence. Brilliant, in this case, refers to a quality of light, really. A sparkle or brightness reflecting in color.

As my old neighbor in State College said when he found out I grew up as the daughter of a farmer in Upstate New York (he, too, grew up on a farm) "I should have known you were from good stock, a good hearty person." I believe he's right. I believe that growing up with your strong family surrounding you makes you different from other people. Every single day my sister and I, despite anything else, had my grandmother's strong loving arms wrapped around us. We had our Dad right. there. We witnessed first hand his hard work, we rode in the tractor with him, went to Cow-well-wells with him to pick up parts, he even cut a little broom down so I could help him sweep the barn. It was the. best. ever. When I sat there, alone, at the table in State College on a Friday night reflecting on this I realized that everything I'd experienced, EVERYTHING, had developed this strength inside of me that I had a reverence for. There was a Brilliant Warrior Goddess deep down that I could call upon, conjure up for lack of a better term.

The Buddhists believe that everything you need to obtain Enlightenment, you have, you just have to access it. The Buddha, they believe, resides within each and everyone one of us. I suppose this goes along with the Christian belief of your body being a temple, you are a child of God. I think the Buddhist idea goes a little further, though, a little closer to my own beliefs. You call upon different aspects of Buddha to help you on your Eight Fold Path. I think my BWG is my own aspect of Buddha or the HP or the Universe that I call upon. My belief that there is something more guiding me in this life, within me she is called the Brilliant Warrior Goddess. She kicks ass, she takes names. She writes poetry and draws her soul. She loves intensely and protects more so.

Sometimes I let this get away from me. Sometimes I stop listening and let self-doubt and ugly thoughts get into my head. Luckily, I find myself surrounded by people like myself. People who have found or are finding their inner strength, self, love. The beauty and strength in them helps me find the beauty and strength in me (as the idea of the term namaste).

...and there you have the story of the origins of the Brilliant Warrior Goddess.

someday i'll find the picture I drew that night and post it...

my best friend rocks.

I have three questions today:
#1 What is the symbolism of a female cardinal?
#2 How do you write an ode to your best friend without seeming corny and making others feel bad?
#3 What IS the Great American Novel?

My former (?) professor, Dr. Reid writes on his blog that blogging can help you become a better writer, it can help you work out ideas, etc. I paraphrase, of course, but generally you get the idea. So I figure that makes blogging a great excuse for me to sit here and type my thoughts on the computer to share with all 4 people who read this blog. Because, as my father-in-law so importantly reminded me the other night if you love writing you write for yourself and who cares what anyone else thinks. (again, i paraphrase) This is a topic he wrote on in HIS blog. Blogging: we are all indelibly connected.

It was also my darling father-in-law who got me thinking about the Great American Novel. He and my mother-in-law (from here on out known as FIL and MIL) were discussing the possibilities of my future writing ventures and he suggested that mine could be the next Great American Novel (i love their belief in me, aren't i lucky?). My first thoughts, due to my feminist/postmodern conspiracy theorist ways was "that will never happen as I'm not a white dude." As my best friend, Karlton, pointed out that is truly unfair.

The question "What constitutes the Great American Novel" is debated in university English classrooms all over the country. And, apparently, in my kitchen over beers on a Thursday night (here's where the Ode to my best friend comes in). The Great American Novels (GANs?) ARE ALL Künstlerromane people! or at least Bildungsromane. The topic of my thesis, the transcultural künstlerroman highlights two Great American Novels. The fact is, we need to get them into the conversation or at least keep them there. We do this by making sure our schools teach them. As important as the old white dudes are to our national identity, equally are authors with other camping parts and skin colors.

I have never been interested in the old white dudes much. Anything I can remember reading (meaning I enjoyed them) from high school or undergrad was usually by women writers or crazy postmodernists. This was the conversation brewing in my kitchen last night. The qualities of the amazing novels we had read. The Pain in Literature (a course I took and the actual pain you can feel sometimes from pieces of literature). How lucky am I to have a best friend who not only gets my English-nerdiness but has her own bout of it? This is not the first, nor is it the last Miller-Corcoran-Sbarra passionate discussion about the finer points of literature, or lack thereof (i am, remember, about to embark on Paradise Lost) and I am so thankful for that!!

Now, what about that female cardinal? We have two cardinals residing somewhere in our vicinity. I see her all the time, I don't know what her mate is busy doing but she can often e seen on the garage rooftop I can see from my office window or in the back yard. Today she was checking out the white climbing roses on my garage while I was doing dishes. Suddenly, I think is this bird stalking me? Is she a sign? So here's the sparknotes version of her symbolism::: The cardinals voice is strong and clear and reflects an air of importance. This power-packed bird can teach you how to express your truth, develop confidence, and walk your talk. It can indicate a turn of events or a life changing situation. The feminine energy is linked to intuition.

I think her visits are pretty appropriate.

here's the plan, stanley.

Okay. Obviously, I'm having difficulty letting go of my thesis and being an English major. But, I don't feel like I'm ready to take the plunge and run off in the sunset to the land of even higher education. Honestly, the biggest reason is because I don't feel prepared in my readings. Oh sure, I've taken classes in which I was SUPPOSED to read the classics, and I passed them. This is because I am a rockstar bullshitter, people. Seriously. I also have a fabulous memory and sparknotes was pretty much the reason I got through the Brit Lit Survey courses.

Yeah, well, I need to be familiar with these things to move further into my education. Especially because I will be required to take the Literature in English GRE Subject Test. Which I think if I took tomorrow would cause me to be the laughing stock of any PhD program I applied to. I found a book list online and I am going to begin brushing up on what I have read (re: sparknotes, once again) and reading what I was supposed to have read.

Step One: Milton's Paradise Lost.

I am trying to be positive. Really. So much of literature is based upon this piece, right? *sigh*

But these are the steps I'm going to have to take.

Oh yeah, and I'm spending the entire summer writing. Another part of the thesis I didn't get to write and furthering the silly project I've been working on for the past decade.

That should be fun... I just wish I had a laptop so I could do it in the sun!! I guess the office will be the room with the AC in it!!

Oh, and I totally bought this from half.com (thanks, aunt syl for introducing me to that site) because I am blacklisted at every library from here to maryland to ohio!




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
on a side note, its more than official: i am totally losing my hearing. today one of my students kept saying "your hair looks like hairspray" and all i kept hearing, as she repeated "hairspray" over and over was "assbrain" ...not to mention the fact that my mother-in-law told me chastity bono is getting a sex change and I thought she said chastity boner...which kind of makes sense if you think about it...

good-bye, dear friend...

"All learning is accompanied by pain."

(Aristotle)

Right. I'm in the midst of finding out just how I am supposed to get this thesis of mine approved by the English Department at SUNY Cortland. Whose chair, my dear Dr. Alwes, is stepping down as of next Tuesday. Katherine Mary, you are a nut. Am I a procrastinator? of sorts, I suppose. I thought there would be directions on this, or at least snacks on my journey.

Sorry, that's from listening to too much Andrew Bird over the course of my writing.

What strikes me as being really sick or sadistic is that I don't want to stop this writing. I want to write another thesis now. I want to write one completely with all the research I did and DID NOT USE on Lan Cao.

It's like my nerdiness will never cease... I'm still trying to figure this out. I'm trying to figure out why I don't feel like I'm all that fabulous in the realm of English yet don't want to stop writing. And why couldn't I felt like this about all my classes?

Why do I shed tears after turning in my final draft to my prof? I mean, seriously, I want to sit here with my head on my desk and cry, as if I lost a dear friend and not out of relief. I feel bereft.

i heart nick corcoran.

June 19, 2004 started out rainy but turned out to be the most spectacular, cloudless beautiful June day ever. We exchanged our marriage vows at Christ's Church in downtown Binghamton. This is my favorite picture of the day, my aunt took it. I love it because I'm holding the hand of the cutest, kindest, most considerate, creative, intelligent boy I have ever met surrounded by the people we love and the city we adore.


We didn't have extraneous people at the wedding, we had only people who enriched our lives. (and 4 couples who were friends of our parents, but they enriched their lives...) Five years later not only has our love grown but our family of friends. We are the luckiest people in the world; I am the luckiest woman alive. Not only do I get to be married to Nick but my life is full of brilliance thanks to the people in it. Thanks, HP, for the true blessings that I have been given...

these are the same people who cheered me on as I have gone through a hellacious 3 months of writing. Which, might I add, was greeted with these words from my prof: "Hello Kate, I did get your file. In fact, I have read through your thesis and I am quite happy with the revisions you've made."

rock on!

stillness

Hip hip hooray, I completed my thesis!

As I wait for my prof's review/comments so that I can truly completely never have to write again I've just been sitting here in my pretty orange office contemplating.

My body still shakes a little, coming off this wild ride I decided to begin on March 15. I started freaking out a little, what's next? What's my next big accomplishment? And then I thought to myself...BE STILL! "Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life." (Omar Khayyam) WHO CARES WHAT I DO???? I'm FRIGGEN DONE WITH MY MASTER'S DEGREE.

I can do whatever the hell I want!!!!!!


Yesterday, after I clicked SEND on the 36 pages of writing I've slaved over for the past 3 months...well, honestly, I cried a little at first. Then I cracked a beer and sat in the yard, the sun beating down on my SUPER WHITE skin, READING A BOOK THAT I PICKED. Today I spent time with my loves, Kami, John and G and didn't worry about getting back to write before dinner.

I can do what I want.


There are no more classes hanging over my head.

There are no professors waiting for my response to something I read.

It's just me and my thoughts and whatever I want to create here in my orange office.

thanks be to the HP... and St. Theresa and whoever it was that sent her prayer to me just as I took this on...

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God [kmc:the HP] that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God[kmc:the HP].
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of you.



I'll write my complete page of dedications later... :)

...still...
a moment on Chase Lake...last friday night...

awesome.

I found this on facebook and thought I would share... as I procrastinate the final pages and edits... :)

my favorite month

Dear June,

I love you. You are my favorite. You remind me of the anticipation of the end of school. Of early in the season days at Cole Park which were filled with school children who only came for a few hours and a lot of chit chat. You remind me of summer classes at Penn State. You remind me of bonfires in high school and solo back yard beers at slootsville manner, state college. You remind me of graduating high school, of moving to baltimore. You remind me of the best weekend of my life, when I married Nick. You remind me of all the possibilities that lay before me not only when I hit a milestone in my life but each day when I wake up.

June, you inspire me to dance barefoot in the rain feeling the mud between my toes. You inspire me to take road trips. To write poetry beneath the trees. To eat popsicles with children. To skip to my destination rather than walk or run.

Thanks, June, for the way you make me feel inside. For invigorating my senses. For causing tears of joy and sheer exuberance in my heart.

Forever and Always,

Katherine Mary

Ode to Mrs. Woolfe

My introduction to one Mrs. Virginia Woolfe came my senior year of high school when I wrote my very first literary research paper of any worth titled something like "Feminism in Virginia Woolfe." I'm sure I still have it somewhere in my papers. Later in my intro to lit class at Capital University (my first college) I really got into A Room of One's Own. I owe this second transition in my home to this book.

You see, I traded off parking my car through the long, treacherous winters we face in Upstate New York for a room of my own. A room I had a dream about, actually. It's graduation season so continually we are reminded by the late Eleanor Roosevelt that "the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." I dreamt in orange. I dreamt in walls of bookshelves and a door I could close and make the rest of the world go away. No, really, I had a dream I painted the office orange and so we did.

Orange represents the sacral chakra in the lower abdomen. Associated personal elements include emotional expression , sense of feeling..."utilization of creative forces into all aspects of being". excellent.

Nick and I, we need rooms of our own. He needs the garage and a half to belong to him. He needs his space to create, build, paint, do whatever things he does with his tools down there. I need my room to do the same thing. I just implement different tools: keyboards, books, deep thinking sessions...

This room has become the most perfect spot for me. It went from this:


To this:





In the worlds of Woolfe herself..."A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction."